Crescent Rolling Hell

 

Hey there. Hi! I don’t know you, yet I wish to share a little secret about pain. Pain is delivered in life and maybe Rumi can tell you how it becomes a door to a better tomorrow. I can’t out-do a 13th century poet and Sufist. My goal is to expose “overburning”.

How one may be “too burnt”- it’s not so clear. Pain can be body injury by impact, PTSD, disease, interpersonal-emotional, spears, clubs, fishing hooks in the inner thigh. And more. Inter-personal-emotional is “relational shit”. Like in marriage! Yay. I’ll abbreviate it “RS” like I’m a PhD.

RS is really “pure stress”. The stress is probably mostly from verbal exchange. I’m not qualified to address hitting, and it is serious before and after.and I’m convinced all the RS comes from talking. Not from gestures. Talking is not love. Saying true things is love. Gossip is undercutting. Mockery equivocates self-hatred, as mockery is debasement. If a person talks like an ass from their face, they endanger their face to be spanked.

People hit eachother and damn if they don’t make up for it for a long time. It seems at that crunch time like a way to say “stop” talking. I don’t know. More like a demand from a “King” or lush for “respect” (FEAR). People want fear, not love, right?

Well that is what I have been taught by an angry non-hitting yelling dad. He taught me how he thought. I think that’s him. In the middle of last decade of my relationship to my partner (I’m male, she’s female) I found I don’t want to be like my dad. Not entirely. He grew up with ONLY women, too close, his dad died, they mocked him. Sounds like a bunch of fun.

My dad and I share a fixed temperament by virtue of hereditary blood disease. Very painful. I may have not been wise to marry, but I wasn’t thinking. This month, my partner wants my pain eradicated. It leads to some pain for me. You could say I practice a Buddhist Methodist view where I fit in to the world. Awkwardly. People do not disrespect Yoda. I move about that slow at 42.

If my partner wants faster or better for me, THAT is unrealistic. I sometimes think “a stroke could take me, but I won’t split away from being there for her. Lately it could be taken that I do nothing but be “pain”, so I tell her “do not empathize anymore”. I watch each day how she is. Know HOW she is? Pissed. A lot. And she says, “My mom always said ‘You take it out on the ones you love’.”

Baloney. You take it out on those near you, and what’s love got to do with it. Her mom also said: Hate is the closest thing to love. That is not even in the satanic bible I bet! Tales and quotes ABOUND on the web. Wow. I memorized a lot of Bible. It helps to catch Christians rear-ending and joyfully singing “Forgiven!”.

Forgiveness is a continuum. Hellish. It’s not an easy AX or a dissolving acid. “Wheeee! I forgive myself!”

Today I found healing in telling another person my shortcomings in being a spouse. I did not have to explain. My own void or sin in being mean hurt my own person. Who is there to understand? Who will say they understand and accept me? Well I found that. Counsellors may help- this was an unpaid friend. There is dignity that no money is required and its powerful to have a friend at a point where I feel like I can’t go on from RS. I have the blood disease iced with RS. Hahahaha… am I going crazy. No. Yes. Who cares. Just please, let me not violate God. Or does anything matter.

It doesn’t change relationships to share so as to be healed- it changes EVERYTHING. Thank God. Thank The Reality, I can prevent pain even though it still is delivered to me. Thank The Maker that going for a walk may anger Captain Controller and I’ll be A MAN yelled at for “leaving” but the hell if I have to quarrel. Bible says do not quarrel to ancient people who followed the Nazarene. People who push you to worship them- it’s like your own personal Nero.

I like Julie Andrews and her favorite things and I have a beard and I’m not a pushover. That’s all for now! Bye

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